Own Your Desires: Better Connection and Pleasure
I was reading this ABC article by Kellie Scott, and it made me think… sex can be hard to talk about — with partners, with friends, even with ourselves. But it’s so important we do. The article shared some eye-opening insights about why women often get bored with sex long before their male partners do. It’s not just about physical desire fading. For many women, the excitement dims because the experience stops feeling fresh or emotionally connected. Add to that the fact that women often don’t voice what they need or want in the bedroom — and suddenly you’ve got a recipe for disconnect, frustration, and boredom.
Why don’t women speak up more? Well, science and somatic wisdom point to some pretty interesting reasons rooted in how our nervous system and brain handle safety, connection, and communication.
The Brain-Body Connection: Why Speaking Up Can Feel So Hard
Our nervous system is wired to protect us. When we sense even a hint of judgment, conflict, or vulnerability—like speaking honestly about sex—it can trigger a stress response. Think of it like your body hitting the brakes, shifting into “better be safe than sorry” mode.
For women, this can be especially true because of social conditioning to be “nice” and keep harmony. Over time, these patterns become habits in both body and brain. The result? You might feel a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or that familiar urge to just zip it and keep things easy.
The challenge is, when you stay silent, your nervous system doesn’t get the chance to relax and connect. Instead, tension builds up, and with it, frustration and boredom.Science and somatic wisdom point to some pretty interesting reasons why honesty is tricky… it’s rooted in how our nervous system and brain handle safety, connection, and communication. Plus, let’s be honest, sometimes it’s just easier to zip it and avoid an awkward chat — especially when you know your partner’s going to be that guy who turns beetroot red and freezes like a startled kangaroo.
Habits, Comfort Zones, and Why Change Feels Weird (For Everyone)
Habits are sneaky little things. Both partners get used to a certain rhythm, certain ways of doing things — especially in the bedroom. Suddenly switching up the conversation or your desires can feel like learning to dance the tango when you’ve been doing the hokey pokey for years.
For you, that’s exciting and maybe a little nerve-wracking. For your partner, it can be downright confusing or even threatening to their ego. The key? Patience and a bit of humour — and maybe reminding them that no one’s getting eaten by drop bears if you speak your truth.
Three Practical Ways to Tune Into Your Body and Speak Your Truth
Start With Somatic Awareness
Before you can express your needs, it helps to connect with how your body really feels. Try this: pause for a moment, close your eyes, and notice any sensations — maybe warmth, tingling, tightness, or ease. Your body holds important clues about what feels good and what doesn’t.
You could also try gentle movement — like stretching or slow breathing — to help your nervous system shift from fight-or-flight into a state of calm. When your body feels safer, your voice gets stronger.Use Your Breath as a Bridge
Breath is a powerful tool for regulating the nervous system. When you feel nervous about speaking up, try this simple trick: take a slow breath in for a count of four, hold for four, then breathe out for six. Repeat a few times. This kind of breathing signals to your brain that you’re safe, helping to soften any tension or fear.
A calmer nervous system means it’s easier to be honest, curious, and open in conversations — even tricky ones about sex.Create Small Moments of Honest Connection
You don’t need to overhaul your communication overnight. Instead, look for little chances to share something real and simple about your desires or feelings. It might be a “Hey, I really like it when…” or “Can we try something new next time?”
These small, authentic moments teach your nervous system and your partner’s that honesty feels safe. Over time, this rewires old patterns of silence into new habits of connection.
Your Voice Is Part of Your Wellbeing
Remember, your body and brain want you to feel safe, heard, and connected. Speaking your truth is a way of nurturing that wellbeing — not just in your relationship, but within yourself.
Change is messy, awkward, and sometimes hilarious. You might trip over your words or get a raised eyebrow (or two). That’s part of the dance. Keep showing up with kindness and humour — you’re rewriting the script for you and your partner.